While I'm gathering my thoughts....

The other night me and Jared were at Nigel's cause he had some guys over from school, and basically Molly and Caitlin wanted us there so it'd be less awkward for them..ANYWAYS. Molly and Caitlin started talking about Molly graduating soon and how she's about to have so much money and whatnot. Then caitlin was like, "yeah, she offered to pay for me to get a manicure just because she doesn't want to go alone." It's like, okay cool they're best friends whatever. But literally, a little piece of my heart died, and continues to die everytime my sister knowingly disincludes me. In fact, she actively avoids me, and doing things with me. Why can't we be real sisters.

What's the point in having a sister :(

-IT IS SO TIME FOR ME TO START WORKING OUT AGAIN IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY
-The government gave MORE money to AIG after they blew 400,000 of it to have a SPA WEEK?!?!! WTF. Fucking government. That seriously pisses me the fuck off.
-I've converted. I'm pretty sure I'll vote for Obama.
-We're going camping this weekend in PA, boyfriendless :( oh well. I hope I can tolerate my mom's snoring and actually get some sleep. doubt it.
-I fucking love my kitties and cows so much. haha, I literally talk to them. and call them my woolly mammoths (cause the  cows are so hairy this time of year!) and my moterboats ( cause the keeks pur so loud) I have no idea what the point of me writing that was, I guess just to portray how fucking weird I am, and how much I love my boos. I could just hang out with them all day, i swear.
-Just to get the point across, it's is TIME TO START WORKING OUT. DO IT.

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There has to be a happy medium between my pre teen years and the way i am now. I am a completely different person. I've been reading old diary entries and notes and shit, and i feel really immature for reading them and even more immature that i still have them, but whatever. But i realize that (at least the impression i get from my "readings") I spent a lot of my younger years not speaking about things that really mattered. I could write about things just fine, and i could listen, but i couldn't vocalize my feelings in a way where i was convinced other people understood what i was trying to get across, ya know? So i think that's a reason I stumble on my words so much when i actually get a chance to talk to someone about actual things. problems. drama. life. anything really.

But it's so strange reading this stuff, the way i used to talk, the things I used to say about my parents! I genuinely hated them, I can't believe the things i said. I can't believe how naive i was, and how big of an attention whore i was, it's gross. Not to mention how self consious i USED to be, I've gotten so much better.

It just seems like I could explain things better through writing back then and it feels like i can't now. Maybe because i matured and realized that people don't need to know every little detail? I don't know. 

It's just nice to be able to sit here. and reflect. And one my lj friendsssssss recent entires is kinda what really sparked this train of thought...with change and what have you. It's like, I need to make a habit of slowing down, and just thinking about how/what i was at one point, so I can avoid bad experiences later in life. 

something else. every person I've been friends with or gotten close to, i really feel that they left a big impact on the way i am. Which i guess that's obvious, but i mean on..a deeper level? I don't know, i'm fucking lame but i couldn't fall asleep last night because of all this randomness. so i had to get it outtttt.

haha, I miss being able to have an actual person to talk to about this kinda stuff, Jared just doesn't understand. He's not a deep emotional thinker. Well, he could be i guess, but getting him to the point of talking about things like me is exausting.

ok so i forgot my old password. and now i can't get back onto my old journal!


so all my old friends should add me again first so i have your user names, because i forget them@ !! ahh